Friends

And that, my friends, is what it's all about.

Just when I thought I was losing my faith in my dream, just when I thought perhaps the universe was right and I can't be a musician... what perfect timing.

The universe has told me that I am supposed to be a writer, it's whispered it sweetly in my ear ever since I was six-years-old. At every turn, every bend in the road, it's there to tell me that I'm walking down the wrong path, it's always there telling me to turn around and take that turn in the road that I have ignored. Deep down, I know its right. If I were meant to be a pianist and a singer, then it would come naturally to me the way writing literature does.

This isn't what I'm meant for, this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing, but it is what I want to do more than anything else. Maybe someday the universe will win; maybe it will break me down and force me onto the correct path. But until that day comes, I will continue down this rough and unpaved road, this road riddled with thorns that bleed me, stones that trip me. I will crawl on bloody hands and knees until I can go no further.

Those of you who frequent Pieces probably saw this post coming. For the rest of you, here's a little back story: Since the news that ken will be producing MUCC's upcoming single, the L'Arc~en~Ciel fandom has been all abuzz with everything MUCC. This has led to some pretty extraordinary, and fairly hilarious, statements regarding Tatsurou's ZOMG! AMAZING, AMAZING voice. Can you see the sarcasm yet?

I find this to be rather amusing because some of the people making these statements are quite avid Hyde Haters, who constantly pick on his voice, his guitar playing, his left ass cheek, and his lyrics. I, therefore, think it's hysterical that these same people would turn around and say, of Tatsurou's voice, "He can hit notes, and he's consistent." If, in their book, FAITH LIVE is just teh horrid, shouldn't that make Tatsurou pretty fucking dire comparatively? lol And consistent? When did THAT happen? I must have missed it. And, why yes, dearie, Tatsu can hit notes, they're not usually the right ones, but he can hit them *snort*

Now, I love Tatsurou, you all know this to be true. However, my love for him does not render me deaf, and you would have to be deaf to call shit like this good singing *stuffs fingers in ears* Actually, if you call that anything other than "god-fucking-awful" then there are pills to help people like you. And I don't want to hear one word about how "honest" or "emotionally gut-wrenching" Tatsu's performance is. That's irrelevant to what I'm talking about. I don't care how tore up inside the performance makes you, because I'm not arguing Tatsu's skills as a performer, I'm saying that he is not the panicle of vocal excellence that people want to make him out to be.

So, what has this taught us? Laruku fans, particularly Hyde Haters, are deaf. Personally, I hope Tatsurou starts suddenly going shirtless to concerts, maybe then these fuckwits will get all grossed out by his ZOMG! BARE TUMMY!, subsequently stop pre-ordering MUCC's shit, and get the fuck out of the fandom. The MUCC fandom is bad enough without Laruku cross-contamination.

OMFG!!! OKAY, SO I'M A COMPLETE IDIOT, AND I JUST REALIZED THAT MERRY'S NEW DVD WILL BE RELEASED ON THE 23 OF THIS MONTH!!! JDFGIRIHUEHIJFNEKJHRUEHUR!!!!

Yeah, good job memorizing your month numbers there, Ikuni -_-

Why is Dir en grey one of my favorite bands again? Oh, yeah, because they're musical geniuses, and, as far as technicalities go, they are vastly superior to 90% of the J-Rock scene. Heh, oops.

Yep, they're assholes of the grandest kind. Yep, they're elitist bitches. Yep, they treat their fans like fucking shit. But I still adore them, because, as musicians, they are Godly.

P.S. Putting my Deg section on Play All Shuffle is one of the most amazing experiences EVER XD I haven't listened to some of this shit in AGES. Wow <33

NOTE TO SELF: WATCH BUCK-TICK'S AKUMA TO FUROIDO (DEVIL AND FREUD) CLIMAX TOGETHER DVD MORE OFTEN.

Lately, I've been wondering if perhaps I'm becoming colder, desensitized to everything around me. I've realized that certain loses in my life of late have not affected me as deeply as they maybe would have a year ago. I don't miss certain people as much as I thought I would. Now, in the most recent case of this, it can be easily, and understandably explained away by the fact that melediana did something so colossally shitty that I stopped caring about her, and started to rather hate her for what she did. Therefore, it doesn't really bug me that I don't miss her one jot; actually, I'd think there was something wrong with me if I did miss her.

However, there have been other events and loses that I thought would wound me more deeply than they have. Perhaps that's because these were things that eroded slowly over time, they weren't swift shocks to my system. But I still feel that I should be feeling more for these things. But instead, I'm sitting here, thinking that for the first time in nearly a year that . . . I may, some day soon, be okay. There was a moment, not long ago, where I could not even imagine myself being happy in the distant future, but now I feel . . . almost whole. Strange, how losing things and people can result in a feeling of togetherness.

I've come to realize some very important things over the last few months, although I did not fully do so until maybe a day or two ago. I have come to the conclusion that I have worth after all. I may not be the most pleasant person to be around, I'm certainly not easy, but I do have worth. I'm not entirely certain what exactly that worth is yet, but I believe that, whatever it is, it is the sum of these scars, both the ones you can and cannot see, it is the sum of every piece of art I have put out into the universe (even the shitty ones :p). The sum of all these parts, whatever it may be, is what I have to offer the world. It may not be much, it might even be of very little value comparatively, but it is something.

I think it's kind of ironic that out of a moment of losing all sense of my worth, I found it again and more fully than before. It's almost funny, that by someone trying their hardest to make me feel worthless, I realized what worth really is. By someone making me feel so weak and violated, I have come to know what strength is, and that I do, as a matter of fact, posses it to some degree.

So, in the end, I don't think I'm becoming colder exactly. I think, maybe, I'm just . . . learning from my past, finally.

I HATE BEING AN ADULT, IT SUCKS ASS.

Yeah, so, I know that I fixed my health insurance billing address, and I know that my bill should arrive within the grace period, however today's the due date and I had a serious panic attack and decided to just go ahead and pay the damn thing without the stupid detachment from the bill. I mean, I know, I know that the bill will arrive within my 30 day grace period, but my panic attacks don't seem to give two shits about that fact, and I CANNOT have non-stop panic attacks for the next week. Nu-uh, not happenin'. I wanna enjoy my off time, not spend it worrying myself to the brink of insanity. I've got enough on my plate right this second.

I have realized that when I'm super stressed over adult life bullshit, I listen to Korn. Therefore, the fact that I was listening to Korn tonight while I did algebra, should have tipped me off to the fact that this health insurance thing was bugging me more than I realized. But no, it took until I was halfway through my Japanese lesson to realize that I was so awe-inspiringly panic ridden that I could hardly function. Bah!

I think it's pretty fucking ridiculous that we even need health insurance in the first place. It's just another excuse to deny certain citizens their, in my opinion, right to proper medical care. Yet another way to discriminate and exclude based upon class, just what this world needs. It's fucking bullshit, and a fucking pain in the ass to boot. And I never even use it, which makes this whole fiasco all the more obnoxious. I'm worrying myself to death over something that is basically useless to me, and that I don't even agree with. That's just fucking fabulous. Really >_<

On a slightly brighter note: the studs are really good for bringing oneself down from the ledge of anxiety brought on by "adult" faggotry.